Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
