the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
