I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
