I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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