I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
