i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Text me some of your sweat
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
