I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
