I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Text me some of your sweat
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
