im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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