my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
