just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
