So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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