I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
