People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
