omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
