we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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