I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
