She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
