Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you never un-have a 4some
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize