Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He kissed a someone with a penis
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
