I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
