im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
