Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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