I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
