wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If I die, sorry about rent.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
