I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
