Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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