The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize