How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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