im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
