I think I died a long time ago.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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