i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
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