I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
