i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
this is an emotional support booty call
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
