evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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