Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
