I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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