The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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