you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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