News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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