Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
