if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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