i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
