my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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