well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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