Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you traded sex for a burrito?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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