Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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