I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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