I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
