I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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