gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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