I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
