Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
