Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I lost the right to judge tonight
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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