ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
