I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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