Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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