I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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