You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
