so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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