I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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