I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
