I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
