I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize