i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
