note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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