she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Who wears a wallet chain?!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
