Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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