NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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