the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
