he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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